Here comes Rhyming Sy Snootles

Hello folks!

Legendary troubadour Paul Simon here with exciting news for you all.

 

You may remember my marriage to the lovely & talented Carrie Fisher, her off the proper Star Wars  movies.

 

Well I'm pleased to announce that my friends at Lucasfilms commissioned me to make a collection of new songs paying tribute to the wonderful movie series. Well, the good ones, anyway.

 

You'll hear such soon-to-be-classics as:

 

Tatooine Bound

CP30, you're breaking my heart.

The sound of jawas

Boy in the Bobba

Feeling Wookie

Retracted bridge over troubled water

Me & Obi-wan down by the schoolyard

You can call me Han.

Still Wookie after all these years.

50 ways to leave your Death Star

Father & child reunion

 

and several more...

 

You can enjoy "Jedi Knights and Negotiations" on CD, download, classic vinyl and of course a badly distorted holographic message hardwired into a droid.

 

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to talk to a man about making Annie Hall 2...

Fringe Cuttings

Well as the curtain falls on, or gets pulled across another Edinburgh Festival, here's my pick of the shows you may have missed. Actually, some of venues didn't have curtains at all, they turned the lights off. Or the cast walked off, them or the audience, ha ha!  Oh yeah, list of shows...

STOP! Lollipop!
Retired school crossing patrolman Neville Johnson talks about his 37 year career working outside some of London’s most notorious primary schools & kindergartens.Not suitable for nervous children or drivers.
“Startling” – Time Out. 


We Gotta Room!
Not for the first time, the Floodlights Review have booked one of the festivals most prestigious venues and then clean forgot to write any material. One year they did find a copy of a 1981 script stuffed behind the cistern in the gents, which at least provided jokes about Thatch, Lady Di & stuff. Expect much audience participation.
"Careless"-Edinburgh Evening News.

Bayeux by You
Glynis Porter is back in town asking audience members to relate the important moments of their lives, which during the course of the evening she embroiders into a tapestry. Free, but donations of yarn appreciated.
"Touching" - The People's Friend.

The Office Joker
Darren 'Daz' Harper demonstrates his special brand of comedy, so beloved by the girls in accounts but completely lost on anyone over the age of 27. The second half of the show consists of Daz's repeating something he nicked off Celebrity Juice ad nausea and his Fantasy Football selection for next weekend. Fit birds & Hen Parties welcome, no fat birds or angry boyfriends  allowed.
"Daz is freakin' brilliant" - Nuts Magazine.

Days of Des
Britain's leading Des O'Connor  tribute act Stan Thompson relives Des's career, all the way from turning out for Notrhampton Reserves through to not being on TV as much as he should be these days, compared to Brucie. Especially suitable for giddy ladies of a certain age.
"If you love me, then you'll be OK with Stan"- Des O'Connor.


Meet Me in Auld Reekie
The classic Judy Garland musical "Meet Me in St. Louis" relocated to the  streets of Edinburgh herself with many obvious local references. Remember than scene showing the invention of the ice cream cornet at the Worlds Fair? Well think deep-fried Mars Bar at the Commonwealth Games.( Please note 'The Trolley Song' will not be performed due to the continued delay in building the new tramway) "Inevitable"- The Scotsman

Pipkins: The Final Hours
Drama surrounding the characters in the tatty looking 1970s children's lunchtime puppet show in the days just before they learn ATV is cancelling them to make way for The Muppets. Starring Gus Honeybun as Hartley Hare.
"The song 'I am Pig' will break a million hearts" - LookIn Weekly.

The Whuke
The greatest hits of The Who re-imagined on ukuleles and tambourines, including the complete soundtrack to Quodrofenia Quasmophobia Tommy. Look out for the spectacular auto-destruct ending, but don't worry, the lads will be back in a local charity shop tomorrow morning re-tooling. Support from The George Formby Experience. Warning - risk of splinters
"A real trip, man" - Melody Maker.

The Ladyladies After Dark 
 Direct from Thailand, the gorgeous women in this show have a naughty secret. They are all, in fact, gorgeous women! Don't spoil the surprise! Like I just did.
"Confusing" - Attitude. 

Weather vain?

It’s often said if you want to engage anyone from the United Kingdom in conversation – and we are notoriously standoffish – then simply ask them about “This weather”.  It’s true. In Britain we love to talk about the weather.

But I would suggest it goes deeper than that.

Dear world, we the British love to complain about the weather… 

Now, take this summer, which is now drawing to a close. Not a bad one by recent ones. We’ve had many sunny days, warm ones and few wet days. Wimbledon finished as scheduled, only one of the Ashes cricket matches didn’t play out (and as England were facing defeat at the time…). Young Prince George was late on parade, but, to the best of my knowledge, atmospheric conditions were not to blame.

But ask anyone in the UK “What about this weather?” you’ll be told “Ooh, it’s too hot” or “It’s not going to last”.  Move forward a few months to wintertime and it will be “too cold” and “I don’t think it’s ever going to brighten up”.

The thing is with the British weather is it lacks extremes. It’s usually mild. Famously it does rain, but not for weeks on end.  Storms can be disruptive but rarely destructive. Sometimes, rivers & reservoirs dry up – but that’s usually attributable to bad decisions by the water companies. And for those hankering for heavy fog in the Sherlock Holmes style, they’re no more you may be sorry to hear.

Bearing in mind we are an island, sitting as we do surrounded by water on all sides, and about 3/5^th up the northern hemisphere, we get what’s due to us.  But for some reason, unless the summer skies are blindingly light like in an old Kellogg’s Corn Flakes commercial, or unless we’re under six foot of snow November through March… well it’s as if we’re being cheated out of something. (At some date I’ll talk over the British winter with you).

Oh, another British habit is this. We love to mix and match our measurement systems to suit. We drive our cars at miles per hour, and then fill them with litres of fuel. And this is true of the temperature too. The hottest days are those approaching one-hundred Fahrenheit, the colder being noted as those going under zero Celsius, again all designed to fit our requirement to needing to have reason to complain.

 

Please World, By all means then feel free to ask any of us what we think about the weather.

But you might have to brace yourself for the verbal storm that follows.

 

 I can only apologise.

Here's one I made up earlier

So, I’m happy to announce that I’m putting my hat into the ring for the contest to become the new presenter of Blue Peter, the BBCs incredibly long running magazine programme for younger viewers.

Yes, yes, yes: I realise I’m not in the line-up featured in this week’s Radio Times: let’s just say that’s for contractual reasons…

And yes, I’m well aware I am twice the age of any of the other wannabes.

Yet, I feel I have so much to offer the show. Let me make my case to you…

 

1.       I was a Regular viewer of the programme from 1972 through 1981. And again from 1997 through 2008.

 

2.       I have made successful television programmes with (count’em) thirteen former presenters. If you count being in the audience at game shows.

 

3.       My twice yearly visits to the dry cleaners means I can provide my own raw materials for the seasonal advent crown make.

 

4.       I have made a giant thermometer thing to indicate what amount of a certain used household item our viewers have sent in. This year I’ll be asking for wire coat hangers to replace the ones I used in the advent crown.  Well, if you don’t ask…

 

5.       I Love cats. I Tolerate dogs.  I’ll get back to you about elephants.

 

6.       I have been able to turn my manicured garden into a more wildlife friendly affair in the modern style, through lack of mowing.

 

7.       I can talk enthusiastically about any of the armed forces without mentioning that awkward killing/getting killed thing.

 

8.       I have taken to walking around museums, pointing into space, nodding and looking as being accompanied by my own voiceover. I can say the word “knockers” with a straight face.

 

 

9.       I am fully complacent with all the show’s traditions: the special assignments, the makes & bakes, the Sally army band at Xmas, the pets, the climbing up stuff, the jumping off stuff. And of course, the firing of the unpopular or incompetent presenters off air between seasons.

 

10.   The only thing you’ll find me snorting is Vicks Synex…

 

So there you have it.

You can tell mum & dad to come back into the room now as my submission is set, bound for the in-tray of the Director General of the CBBC herself.

My badge presentation is surely just a Monday or a Thursday away.

Now, there is one downside.

Kids - can't stand them. 

But I’m sure we can work around that…?