Here's one I made up earlier

So, I’m happy to announce that I’m putting my hat into the ring for the contest to become the new presenter of Blue Peter, the BBCs incredibly long running magazine programme for younger viewers.

Yes, yes, yes: I realise I’m not in the line-up featured in this week’s Radio Times: let’s just say that’s for contractual reasons…

And yes, I’m well aware I am twice the age of any of the other wannabes.

Yet, I feel I have so much to offer the show. Let me make my case to you…

 

1.       I was a Regular viewer of the programme from 1972 through 1981. And again from 1997 through 2008.

 

2.       I have made successful television programmes with (count’em) thirteen former presenters. If you count being in the audience at game shows.

 

3.       My twice yearly visits to the dry cleaners means I can provide my own raw materials for the seasonal advent crown make.

 

4.       I have made a giant thermometer thing to indicate what amount of a certain used household item our viewers have sent in. This year I’ll be asking for wire coat hangers to replace the ones I used in the advent crown.  Well, if you don’t ask…

 

5.       I Love cats. I Tolerate dogs.  I’ll get back to you about elephants.

 

6.       I have been able to turn my manicured garden into a more wildlife friendly affair in the modern style, through lack of mowing.

 

7.       I can talk enthusiastically about any of the armed forces without mentioning that awkward killing/getting killed thing.

 

8.       I have taken to walking around museums, pointing into space, nodding and looking as being accompanied by my own voiceover. I can say the word “knockers” with a straight face.

 

 

9.       I am fully complacent with all the show’s traditions: the special assignments, the makes & bakes, the Sally army band at Xmas, the pets, the climbing up stuff, the jumping off stuff. And of course, the firing of the unpopular or incompetent presenters off air between seasons.

 

10.   The only thing you’ll find me snorting is Vicks Synex…

 

So there you have it.

You can tell mum & dad to come back into the room now as my submission is set, bound for the in-tray of the Director General of the CBBC herself.

My badge presentation is surely just a Monday or a Thursday away.

Now, there is one downside.

Kids - can't stand them. 

But I’m sure we can work around that…?